Beauty and the Beast: a Horny Love Story

Charing Cross Theatre

Playing until 11th January 2026

Book tickets

Photo credit: Steve Gregson

{PR Gifted ticket}

After two previous successful productions, Charing Cross Theatre hosts another adult panto penned by Jon Bradfield and Martin Hoooper for the third year. Widowed, the spreadable Flora (Matthew Baldwin), pantomime dame of this production, runs a convenience store and petrol station in a remote part of Scotland with her son, Bertie (Matt Kennedy) and daughter, Bonnie (Laura Anna-Mead). When Flora was forced to save herself after a murder attempt, she finds herself in a castle on an island, setting this horny story into motion.

Keeping up with the panto tradition, we are graced with the presence of two sorcerers, the baddie, Cornelius (Chris Lane), who turned his brother Charlie (Keanu Adolphus Johnson) into a beast, and the good sorcerer, Juno (Dani Mirels) that help our protagonists and have the odd sexy time along the way. Inevitably, Bertie falls in love with the Beast (I mean, who could resist that hunk of a bear and the accompanying fur), gradually revitalising the Penis Flytrap as their affection for each other grows.

Amongst the non-sensical plot, Bradfield and Hooper still manage to inject character development into the narrative, especially for the siblings. Yearning to leave the Scottish countryside behind, Bertie intends to fly out to New Zealand to find a new life, but ultimately finding the confidence and the comfort by staying with his loved ones. Bonnie on the other hand, has always felt underappreciated by her mother and the story plays along with that, with Flora often forgetting Bonnie’s name throughout.

This panto does exactly what it says on the tin, filled to the brim with filth and unsubtle innuendos, like Bertie’s imprisonment from violating the Beast’s back passage, cleverly referring to the secret tunnel into the castle. Beyond that, it is just one penis joke after another with the occasional injection of fetishes.  Kennedy often join in the fun by pulling up or flapping his kilt to show a glimpse high up of his thigh.

Unlike other pantos, Bertie and the Beast aren’t really the main characters, they are the plot delivery vehicles. It is actually Flora, the pantomime dame, donning creative and expressive costumes designed by Robert Draper, that commands the stage and much of the audience’s attention. Baldwin’s Flora is crass and over the top, traits that are undeniably woven into the very fabric of this show.

If you are looking for deep messages or meaningful connections, turn away now as that is well and truly behind you, in fact this Beauty and the Beast is already sassily waving at you from via its rearview mirror.  However, as far as high camp gutter minded pantos go, this is the nightly performance one ought not to miss.

Creatives

Writer and Songwriter: Jon Bradfield

Writer: Martin Hooper

Director: Andrew Beckett

Musical Director and Orchestrator: Aaron Clingham

Choreographer: Carole Todd

Set Designer: David Shields

Costume Designer: Robert Draper

Lighting Designer: Matt Hockley

Sound Designer: Andrew Johnson

Producer: Oli Sones for He’s Behind You Ltd